Chapter 2: Growing to hate Myself
Growing to hate yourself sucks. Duh, right?
What if I told you, for some, it may be such a gradual progression that it creeps up on them, They may even notice how shitty their self image is, but are in too deep to break themselves free of if its crappy grasp.
March 2020 is when all of this was at a peak for me. I was in a very negative state. I had just turned 29 the month prior, was working a fast-food job, and living out of my parent's unfinished basement. All of this combined was always seen as pathetic in the media. Movies, TV Shows, books, they all had this stereotype or trope of the Basement-Dweller, the loser who is typically, a guy, known to be 30+ yrs old, working some crap job, still lives in the parents' basement, and is also usually considered either a bum, some fat slob, and/or is just a little too invested in whatever hobby he has.
Examples in TV/Movies include: Denzel Crocker (Fairly Odd Parents), Revengamin Buttons (Free Guy), Ludlow (PIXELS), Howard (The Big Bang Theory), Robert Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond), Seymour Skinner (The Simpsons), and many more. A decent list can be found at tvtropes.org.
That was one part of the puzzle for my negative state.
The next part was the fact that I also felt as though I had no friends or relatives to talk about any of this or even just hangout with. I was alone even when not physically alone, and didn't even want to expand my social circle to gain friends because I had a shitty self-image. I would always assume that no one would want to hang out with me. That I would have nothing to offer in terms of friendship let alone anything more.
Age 11: Hey, look, take my picture. | Age 21: Pose for the picture? No.
I had always (from around Middle school age and on) hated seeing or hearing myself when played back on recordings, or in pictures. The annoying part about this was that I also loved filming/recording myself so, for years there was a lot of pictures, video and audio recordings of me that I could not bear watch/listen/look at. That's not that uncommon among people, however, I couldn't look at/watch/listen to myself without either being disgusted or just seeing it as a whole other person. It was just some random kid that is not me, even though I know that it definitely was. I just assumed that, much like my grandmother, I was just someone who didn't like their picture taken/being recorded, etc. I did not realize at the time exactly why but that made me more inclined to not record myself as much, never really take selfies or record any audio recordings. When I did, I was very uncomfortable on camera or I filtered myself to such an extent that most of it never saw the light of day. Deleted almost as soon as recorded.
Sure there are pictures of me, and I even tried a few times to start a YouTube Series though most of that I lost interest in. I was never 100% sure what kept me from staying motivated but I knew something was not right. I stopped wanting to be in front of the camera, using the excuse of being the one taking the photos/video. Of course then I was often left out meaning I was not recording the moments that most would be happy to. Birthdays or trips and random outings where people would make sure they got at least one picture of themself to show that they went there. Not me. Parent coaxed me into a handful over the years, but I never made it easy. Often being seen as a sourpuss or grumpy.
Let's see where we are now. At Almost 30 yrs. old:
Don't like my looks or how I sound.
Living in Parent's basement.
Been through 1 or 2 bouts of depression
Work in fast-food but not even a manager.
No Friends/nearby family to hang with/talk to.
No love-life
Oh dear, it's getting bad. All of this starts to compound on itself and many are interconnected leading to a domino effect amplifying some issues and causing others new ones.
"Why take care of yourself if you already hate yourself? What good does improving yourself or your surroundings do? What could you possibly do? Sure, would it be nice to be in a better place? Yes. Can you possibly hope to get there? Absolutely not. I am stuck here and I hate it. What, most of those issues are solvable? Sure, for others maybe. I can't make friends. I don't go anywhere besides the store and work. I don't go into online communities because I get overwhelmed and don't know where to jump in. I talk to a few people at work but they are not my friends. They never ask me to hang out and chill at their place and I can't ask them to hang out at mine unless its the summer and we can do it outside because of the house I live in is not the best for guests. Besides they are probably busy anyway or even if they aren't, they have better things to do than hang out with me. It's not like I have much in common with them anyway."
Yep, That's how my thinking was. It's not easy getting out of that flawed thinking and I know it's flawed but the problem is it's like a mental death spiral. What's worse is when you see it, you want it to change, but feel powerless to do so. Now take that emotional state, that self-inflicted introverted state, and have it be at its peak at the start of a worldwide pandemic. One that forces many people to be introverts for a time; for people to start to complain about being in a physical state that you have been in mentally for years. You knew it wasn't completely normal, but the fact that people are complaining sparks something in you. At first, you are like "shut up!" it's not that bad you have to do it for a few weeks, I've been doing it for years. Then, you realize wait, it's not just a handful of people complaining, also there are others who were introverts by choice but, after a few weeks of lockdown, even they are saying this is too much.
Maybe there is something wrong with me. (Duh, I've been telling you that for years.) No, it's something deeper. I need to break this cycle. I need help.
