Chapter 7: Now What?
OK, I know the terms, I see the signs, but what do I do with all of these new feelings and emotions. Well, test them out in a safe, private, way. I had no one to confide this to, outside of my counselor, so I had to do this on my own. Most trans women will talk about how they had always picked the girl in video games or, when designing a character, they would design a female one. That they would maybe give their character a female name they liked so they could be called that and see if they liked it. I did neither of those things. In fact, most video games that I've enjoyed either had a male protagonist or you never even saw the character. No, I fantasized, usually to "adult entertainment" like I spoke of earlier. There for a while I was getting a metric ton of ads for Wish.com on Facebook. One day an ad had a pair of false jibbly-jobilies for like $20. I bought them and promptly forgot about them for weeks. Once they turned up, I found a bra and tried them on, mostly, again, only while doing {insert euphemism}. I liked the way they felt, the way they looked on me. It felt, right.
All of this trial was taking place in the background during the 1st quarter of 2021. Meanwhile, I started working on an insane project to convert an old school bus to an Rv to drive cross country at the end of the summer. (Story to be included in the *Bonus Content* section) I also decided to return to an old job, temporarily, to help cover the costs of the bus conversion. Every night and weekend was spent playing with this idea. What started as a fetish, as I played with it, was realized as much more than a kink. By mid-June, I realized the truth that was hidden away from my conscious self, I wanted to be a woman, not just play as one for seggs, but, legitimately, a real woman 24/7/365.
You may think that I had already figured this out, based on my previous testament, but, that was only part of what was happening. I was finding all of those hidden clues while experimenting, which led to the unlocking all of this new realization about myself. It's not so much as a singular instantaneous led lightbulb moment, it's more like a slow starting fluorescent light fixture in a cold environment. A few sparks followed by a slow glow to full brightness.
With this "sudden" clarity to who I am, my impulsive self felt the need to act on it right away. I started looking in the clearance section of the women's dept of walmart, for more clothes to try out. I bought, women's cut t-shirts, pants, leggings, bras, underwear, you name it. If it was cheap and fit, I snapped it up. Eventually, my ads on FB shifted (as they do) to others stores, and Pride Palace popped up with their free flag promo. I had to have one. But wait. I haven't told anyone. Hmmm. Better get the "We are all human" one so that it isn't obvious to others which part of the LGBTQ+ I fall into. (Do not ask my logic. I know it wasn't sound.)
I had planned on telling people, starting with Parent, but the trip was less than a month away and I didn't want to have this lingering over the trip. I decided to wait until we got back to tell them, or at least wait till the latter half of the trip once the family obligations were out of the way. I packed a bag of femme clothes, and my jibbly-jobilies, and stowed it somewhere out of sight, for the trip. (*Bonus Content Alert*) The trip was an unmitigated disaster that sent me into a month-long depression that I only halfway got out of because I had to go back to work again to payoff the loan we got for the trip.
Fast forward to the end of the spooky month that is October. I was just getting out of my funk from the trip and decided to dress up for howl-o-ween. The question had crossed my mind What to dress as. I mean, I had many costumes that I had collected over the years, but most evolved covering my face, which is a no-no for my job. SO I had 2 choices. Option A) wear the same pumpkin suit that I had worn the year prior. Option B) One that I had just thought of from all of the people talking about Halloween being the one night you can go out in whatever getup you want and, mostly, nobody will say anything because it's national dress-up day. To don a dress and go as a girl for the night.
I was more than a bit nervous. I was NEVER out in public in any way like this before, I was still in the "I don't love myself" mindset left-over from the years of "boy-mode", and I was super self-conscious about how I looked and presented as to not make a mockery of it.
To my surprise, everyone loved it. I was in shock and awe. It was the happiest I had felt in a very long time, even with a minor mishap of me falling and busting my but on the floor.
I sure until the end of the night but, this was to be my final test. Everyone was so supportive of my look, with many saying that I rocked that outfit. Ok, time to settle down. The hard part is next. Time to contemplate how and when to let everyone know.
Again, I test the waters. I talk to a few that I trust to see what they thought, genuinely, of the look and what if I were to keep that look, permanently. Supportive? YES! All right, now on to my biggest hurdle, to formally come out. Wish me luck.