Chapter 6: That's Dysphoria!
Dysphoria can be a weird thing. First of all, not everyone experiences it and, like everything else, it varies person to person. Of those that do, some have it worse, or less, than others. Better yet, you may have dysphoria but, you may tell yourself that you don't. You may shrug it off thinking it's a "normal" feeling. Let's go back to my example from from earlier; I stopped liking the sound of my voice or the sight of my body, well it turns out there was a specific reason behind it. I was experiencing both voice and body dysphoria. I thought it was just the surface level fact that I didn't like my voice or body but nope, it was dysphoria! Here's another thing about dysphoria, It can decide to lie in wait until your egg cracks and then spill out all over.
No strong feelings of dysphoria > realize your trans > start to transition (optional) > boom dysphoria, about things you didn't even realize you could even be dysphoric about.
I know that once I started transitioning, my hair started to be a big issue for me. Body hair, too much and too dark. Top of head hair, too thin and wispy, with male pattern baldness and receding hairline already kicking in. Overall it was all wrong, but I only just recently realized that, so I have to go back and correct that because all I see is an ugly, balding, ape-man in my shower or Ben Franklin when dressed and wearing glasses. Neither look do I want anymore.
Yes, dysphoria can be hard. It can also make well intentioned compliments or those accidental slip-ups hurt like daggers.
Comments like, you look so handsome, to a transfemme person, or you're so pretty, to a transmasc person, are obviously not what they want to hear but, even things like, "you would pass as cis", or "no one would be able to tell that you're trans", sound super It takes allot of affirming on the surface but, to the wrong individual, and especially if unsolicited, can be extremely distressing. They are trying to draw attention away from that fact and you brought it right back up. Those with dysphoria might have a voice in their head repeating things like, "you will never be a real [insert man/woman/etc.]", "you see, they brought it up, so obviously they see right through you", "you're just faking this, your not really trans.", you will never pass with [insert some aspect about themselves that they see as deficient]."
It takes a lot of work to push past those thoughts of "am I really trans?", or "I will never be able to see myself the way I want because X" A pretty cool content creator (One Topic at a Time) heard this quote once and loves to share it when speaking to the trans community. "If you think you are faking it, you're probably not." Imposter syndrome is a very real thing and it haunts many, but when it haunts trans individuals, it can be 1000% worse because it makes you feel like you, your image, your whole life, is one big lie and you aren't fooling anyone.
The main thing is, dysphoria is like many other conditions, like depression or adhd, in that, you can have good days or bad days, It can hit you hard one moment and then not at all for hours. You may not even know exactly when, or how, it will strike.
On the opposite side of the coin from dysphoria, is euphoria. No not that show on HBO. The feeling that you are happy, or at peace, in a way that is even more intense then you would've imagined.
Euphoria can manifest itself in as many ways as dysphoria and, luckily, is even more common. One can feel it just dressing in a certain way, being treated as the gender that they identify, or simple as an appropriate complement. That last one can be a fine line to walk between causing euphoria and dysphoria (see last section).
For some, euphoria is the way their egg cracked. You may not know you like something until you try it, like dragon fruit or finally letting someone else be the car in Monopoly.
Ok that second one may not count but, my point stands. people need to be able to try things with little/no judgement. That was my BIGGEST hurdle. The people that I cared about were the ones that I didn't want to hear any comment from until I was done testing the idea for myself. I wasn't expecting explicitly negative comments but even positive comments would've felt negative if I realized that presenting female isn't what I wanted and decided to go back. If I went back, I would still have that comment floating in my head bugging me and make me question why I did or didn't want to continue that idea. I know this makes supporting those who are experimenting hard but, for some, it's the only way to do so without constantly second-guessing themselves and their own motives. Weather we intend to or not we often tailor ourselves to those we care about for fear of losing them losing connection with them.
Also, once again, I will include a link to the dysphoria bible because it has a lot of helpful descriptors and explanations. It is good for trans, cis and anyone else to read.
